Thursday, September 6, 2012

Feeling Worthy when you have so many Regrets | That time I got serious about me

Surprise Surprise. Guess who's back. Oh goodness. Its been a few weeks. The olympics finished and then I wasn't staying up late, watching them. Oh and I've started to get my butt back into the gym so thats been nice. I gave myself an over-reaching goal because I wanted to make sure I actually pushed myself... and so far so good!

Onto a more serious topic... which I never do.

I wanted to talk to you all today about something thats I've been waiting to share. I've been meaning to get together with my buddy to get some pics before posting here, but life has just gotten in the way.... Like usual. So today I'm here to share with you.

When I was younger... in my late teens early 20's I was a dumb kid. I did a lot of dumb things. Hung out with a bad crowd... actually they weren't really bad, it was just me really. I was raised to be a good christian girl, and when I turned 18 I rebelled like no other. And like I said. I did stupid things, things I'm not really proud of, things that I'm thankful to have had options for and things that make me feel sad when I look back at them.  I struggled with my inner things, at the time I hadn't been diagnosed with depression so I didn't understand why I would have really high Highs and low Lows. Now looking back, and knowing what I know about myself it all makes sense.

I don't really want to talk about the things, not because I'm ashamed, but really because sometimes you just need some things to remain personal and honestly... I don't know that I can be that vulnerable on my own blog yet. Its hard to open up to people about extremely personal things like this.

What I do want to share is that for the past few years I've been working on me. On accepting myself, my past and moving forward. I know that I will forever have a constant reminder of my past that will never go away but I've chosen to forgive myself. It has not been easy, and I still have bad BAD days.... but I see a light at the end of the tunnel. Last year I decided it was time to get a new tattoo. One that meant something special to me. One that would remind me that even though I made poor choices in my life that there is still positivity in my life... and in me.  For a while I was thinking I wanted to get my tattoos on my wrist. One would say I am Worthy and the other would say I am Enough. Obviously I did not go with those 2 choices. I was still torn. Nothing was quite right. I hadn't figured it out yet. Then one day I was reading a blog. This blog in fact, read it. Its a great one.  And it spoke to me, to my heart. It really got me and the person who I had been.  And those three lines at the very end of the blog post spoke straight to me and right then and there I knew. I knew that this was what was going on my arm.



You are Beautiful. You are Valuable. You are Enough.

After spending so many years feeling like I wasn't worthy I finally had accepted that those guys in my life before who had made me feel so bad abut myself were wrong. That the guilt I had felt for so long wasn't necessary. I felt so freed. So on my birthday, I got my tattoo on my left forearm and while no one saw it. I cried a little while Ian tattooed my arm, not because it hurt (it didn't by the way) but because I knew that this was me finally accepting myself. Letting those horrible feelings finally fly away like the birds on my arm. As I write this I'm actually crying a little.  Since June 2nd I have had a lot of hard days, and a lot of good days. But I will say that when someone stops me and asks about my tattoo, they usually will tell me that its so awesome and that they love what it says. And I smile a little because its just that little reminder to myself and now to them too.  So remember just like I try to daily.

You are beautiful. You are valuable. You are enough.

xo,

Steph
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