Warning: This is a super personal, random and long post. I'll be back tomorrow with fun posts.
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Ok internet friends... I'm gonna get real with you. Back in January I wrote a blog post about how I was gonna get fit, how I had a game plan, how I was not going to fail. Well I'm here to tell you that I did not get fit, I did not follow my game plan, and I did fail... temporarily. I didn't do what I needed to do and it sucks to see yourself failing and see that you aren't doing anything about it. I'm really good about talking to people about how to succeed in their journey, I can talk to you about how to eat healthy, how to work out and how to motivate yourself, but sometimes I'm not the best at following my own rules. I'm like the crooked cop, I wanna put you in jail for being bad but here I am stealing money (this a metaphor, I don't really steal money and I'm not a cop). So here I am. I am telling you I failed. But what am I doing about it? Well I'm back. And I decided that Now is a REALLY good time. I mean, there never really is a GOOD time, but right now is THE time to do it, because if I let myself get any worse than I am now, then I'm never going to get better.
Another issue I've been battling is acknowledging that I have self image issues and even when I'm thin I think I'm not, and when I'm not thin I just get depressed because I think about how I once looked, which is never a good thing, to compare yourself to yourself. BAD STEPHY. I realized I was in a bad spot when I was supposed to go to the gym and meet hubs a few Saturday's ago, but I was still laying in bed, and I started to cry because I realized at that moment what I was doing. I didn't want to go to the gym because I would see myself in the mirrors and I'd see how fat my arms had gotten, or how my shoulders weren't defined anymore, and that my rolls were increasingly more noticeable. So I laid there, crying because at that moment I was that person in those commercials, that didn't want to do anything and why? Because of something I could control, so I got up, went to the gym and did 45 minutes, not without causing a slight scene where I started crying when I got to the gym. Dave had asked where I'd been, and I had to again admit what I'd known all along, that my depression was getting worse as my weight was getting worse and I cried on his shoulder for a few minutes in the weight room, where people could see me (which if you know me, you know I don't cry in front of anyone, let alone strengers). It's been a rough past few weeks since that Saturday, which is why I've been a little quiet on here. I didn't want to talk about this because admitting to myself that I had a problem was hard enough but admitting to the internet world... well that is harder.
So I waited. I waited till today to tell you. Honestly, I waited till today to tell you because I was worried that I wasn't going to get better and that I was going to gain the other 30 pounds back.
BUT I had hope. I had hope that going to The Arnold this past weekend would help me. And it did. I went there originally thinking that after seeing all those hot bodies that I would be guilted into getting back in shape. But something else happened. I became motivated. I felt like I could do this again. I felt alive again. I'm happier when I'm healthy, I'm happier when I'm at the gym. I'm happier when I'm eating clean. I'm happier when I'm doing something that I love. So peoples. I'm back and I'm better than ever!
I can't wait to share with you about my weekend, the samples I tried, the people I met and the stuff I bought, but I'll leave that for another day. For now I'm going to show you 2 pictures of of me with the people who have motivated me over the past few years, whether they knew it or not.
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| Me and Jamie Eason |
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| Me and Davey |
xo, Steph
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Leave a comment. Its what all the cool kids are doing... or maybe not but you should still do it. :)